Review – Priest 3D

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. If I observed that axiom then I wouldn’t strike a single key in writing a review for ‘Priest 3D’. But, alas, I feel an obligation to warn people about this action shocker.

A war between humans and vampires has ravaged the world for centuries. A governing body known as the Church sends out skilled warriors called Priests to battle the vampires. After the Priests successfully overthrow the vampires and send them into hiding, they are disbanded and forced to integrate into society. One Priest (Paul Bettany), however, comes out of hiding to take on an old enemy after his niece is kidnapped by a pack of vampires.

A good animated sequence opens the film, and I wish the rest had continued in the same style, because it was the only enjoyable part.

Bettany should have a truckload of Oscar nominations under his belt by now, because he’s a good actor. Unfortunately, he continues to devolve into Jason Statham. He is working straight from the action-man handbook – gritting his teeth, throwing weapons in slow motion and delivering terrible one-liners. The support isn’t much better, with Maggie Q, Christopher Plummer, Cam Gigandet and Karl Urban providing enough melodrama to fuel a Mexican soap opera for the next decade.

The sets look like the filmmakers sticky-taped together leftover designs from the 1995 film ‘Judge Dredd’. In fact, ‘Priest 3D’ mirrors the failings of that film in many ways, giving you a bad case of déjà vu.

With not much a of a plot, the film lugs from one action scene to the next, and the religious undertones are only there as an excuse to make as many crucifix inspired weapons as possible.

The 3D isn’t worth mentioning without resulting in a tirade of expletives. To put it simply, someone deserves to do jail time for crimes against cinema.

‘Priest 3D’ has four months to wait before it can officially claim the title for worst film of 2011. The gauntlet of bad has been thrown down.


Sony Pictures

The Popcorn Junkie